When I began this blog, I was figuring out how to stay in a terribly abusive relationship.
And in a terribly abusive job.
There must be something, I thought then, that I could do, to make it better. To make him better. To make me better. To make the world that he existed in more tolerable so that our relationship could flourish. To make my own workplace more tolerable.
But I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could never make him, or the world around him, better. I could not be in charge of creating a tolerable existence for him, alone, to keep myself safe. I could not be responsible for his well being. I was responsible for me.
Neither could I be responsible for fixing the entire American healthcare system to fix my broken job. I am responsible first and foremost for me, finding solutions that fit me, now.
I left that relationship, battered, and am slowly slogging my way through a terribly abusive divorce. I’m realizing this relationship will never end, as long as there is a much wanted and much loved child who is a product of the relationship in this world. But the nature of the relationship has changed already, for which I am grateful. I am free.
I also found my way to a different job. A better job. With fewer patients and easier charting. But aspects of my non-clinic hours were still abusive, so I changed the nature of my commitment to the job. I simplified from medical director to part time provider.
I’m seeking sustainable balance, renewable joy. Flexing my skills as a doctor just enough to pay the rent and buy groceries (and sadly not even to begin to imagine paying back the legal fees accrued over the last 21 months of litigation). But to create the space in my life to grow, heal and write. To take care of me.
I’m seeking a paycheck that doesn’t break my spirit to sustain my body.
I’m seeking a relationship that doesn’t break my body. Period.
Here’s to health and wholeness and happiness — on a personal and professional front.